I would recommend playing this mix while you are reading this entry and if you like it you can keep listening to it.
I haven’t written for myself in so long that I started believing I would never do it again. Today is different, I wanted to write. And I wanted to share it on the internet. This feeling is new. All my posts in the last few years have passed many rounds of ‘do I need to post this?’. I always suffer a bout of nerves when posting something. Never believing it is good enough.
I am drafting this first entry in a new email window.
I’ve had a tough relationship with the emails I’ve typed here. I’ve written a few good ones and a lot of really bad ones in my 3 years of working for money. Having always loathed regular email talk, I spent a lot of time rephrasing sentences, reading them out loud and trying to make them sound better. But only on rare occasions, did I actually find joy in hitting the send button. Because I was typing without feeling. I wasn’t writing.
Coming back to why I am writing here – 3 years of obligatory email typing has made me comfortable with the window, despite my issues about its content. I am okay using it as a medium to reinitiate my sharing process. This is my attempt to make this window a place of more feeling than it currently is.
I woke up a little different this morning. I am feeling the way I feel when I come back from a really long vacation and I reacquaint myself with the house. I usually forget what the switchboards at home look and feel like. I am comfortable with that. I like spending some time running my fingers across the switches and getting used to them again. I find peace in spending a few hours in the morning relearning what the rooms look like in daylight and noticing the angles at which the sun’s rays filter into the rooms from the windows.
This happens because, on a vacation, the anxiety tones down and I forget to worry. For me, this results in a heightening of the senses. It’s a state that allows me to learn something new about myself or life and I become happy.
Writing today feels like that. I was away getting to know myself better. And now I am back and finding forgotten corners of me. Wanting to share and write again are just the beginning of this round of rediscovering myself.